Southern Press Release
Issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to All Visiting Northerners and Northeastern Urbanites:
1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24
hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kickyour ass.
2) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, LutherRay, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez,
Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis,etc.). Or we will just HAVE to kick your ass.
3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying damn
whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever -- it's still just a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can
lead to an ass kicking.
4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you e.g., Welty, Williams, Faulkner. We are also
better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your ass.
5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom,
MTV, Netscape). Naturally we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment e.g., Carter, Edwards, Duke,
Barnes, Clinton). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to
our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick their ass.
6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg
instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you
visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.
7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell
out of here, or we'll kick your ass.
8) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your
biscuits like God intended -- with gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.
9) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your ass kicked.
10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited
Northern shit holes like Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here,
Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.
11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you.
We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying,
and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your ass.
12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently.
If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.
13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our
seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet
little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.
14) So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in the countryside? That's because we have
enough sense not to live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or Newark. Make fun of our
fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.
15) Last, but not least, DON'T DARE come down here and tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass
shot (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you snowbirds come down here at all. Criticize our barbeque,
and you will go home in a pine box -- minus your ass.